Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Me and My Shadow

Today at 8:30 my room was blinding. I woke up in a film of sweat and no escape. I fell out of my bed and looked up and there the sun was shining in all its glory. The brightest sun I have ever seen in my life and my entire room was covered. I walked around stumbling trying to figure out how to get away and eventually ducked into my hallway / closet where I stood looking back in every few seconds completely confused and amazed.

It seems that Spring has started here in Norway. With twilight out right now while I write; the windows are all open people are milling about on their balconies smoking and rubbing their eyes. There is music playing, cars driving and a sense of freedom. The oppressive weight of gray skies has been lifted and in this transitory moment people are leaping from cliffs and ledges to land on new ground.

After collecting myself in the morning with the great sun all around. I struggled half asleep to push my bed against the bookshelf on the right side of my room. And then opened the whole window and fell back asleep with the sun's rays on the edge of the bed. This spot is the only one in the whole room that is protected. I don't have blinds or covers and it seems now that until I do this is going to become ritual for me in the mornings. Unless I really want to be up so early in the morning. And increasingly so. When May / June hits the sun will be out around 4-5 am.

I am looking forward to walking around the forest in light when it should be dark. And I'm sitting here trying to write a paper. About Jane Eyre. But so far have only written, Jane Eyre...and thats it. I think I'm getting progressively worse at approaching or even thinking about school essays. Getting more and more cemented in writing only what I want to write. And seriously though, how many people have already written on the topic, 'Jane Eyre is about a woman's journey towards maturity and autonomy.' Discuss.

There is a large sigh after that discuss. And then many more as I stare at a blank word document trying to drum up any part of me caring, to write a decent first line. That will let me write out the rest of the essay.

I just don't know how I am going to keep doing it, with school and all. As it gets worse and worse. Until:

1. I shut down completely and just end up staring off into space not able to do it at all. Like I become a comatose patient when it comes to school.

2. I revolt and simply stop going. Not like shutting down. Because I can probably go through the motions of school indefinitely. Showing up isn't hard. Its making it count that is hard.

3. (I had hating my life on point 3. I don't think its that) More like I get to a point where I'm miserable but doing it as if I were in a bad marriage and couldn't get a divorce. That sort of thing.

I don't know if there is more there. Those points seem to accurately represent my frustrations. I just feel like its a big world. (And I've felt this before I was even here in Norway). And that in this big world. There are a multitude of ways of living. And that this social standard that seems like a good fit for many people is not one in which works for me. I don't want to come off as arrogant or spoiled. I don't mind work. And learning. Its just this isn't the approach. Like going from point A to point B. I need to find a different means of traveling. And now I've come off as a new agey, help yourself sort of voice. Which fuck! That was never the point either. More like I'm this close--and I'm pinching my thumb and finger almost together. With just a sliver of gap in between--from saying on the first lines of the paper I'm supposed to write:

"I definitely agree with the question posed. Jane Eyre is about a woman's journey towards maturity and autonomy. I would be pleased to discuss this with 'you', whoever you may be. A teaching assistant or my teacher. But I would rather not spend time in a room wracking my brains trying to come up with an original approach of saying what has already been said hundreds of times before me by hundreds of students. I can also assure "you" that I read the book. If you would like to discuss the novel, we can arrange a time and place over coffee or dinner. And share our thoughts, as two intelligent human beings.

I would also like to state that "you" most likely do not enjoy reading these papers over and over again. And at one point in life did not expect to be doing so each and every year. If I'm coming off as being antagonistic then its because I feel pissed and depressed about the whole process in general. And would wish the both of us to move towards changing. Maybe its my problem to begin with. And should not waste anyone's precious time if I'm not willing to care about the process that is already laid down. If another student can get through it. Then I suppose I am not them. And this essay, which has become my complaint, has now become a very childish letter of resignation to the process of studying at University, and working towards a degree."

And writing that out hasn't helped much. But now I'm going to do something else and maybe drum up enough energy to write the paper. If not. Maybe I will be coming home early because I couldn't bring myself to do the curriculum any more and they send me something in the mail saying, "go home. you don't want to be here. we don't want you here." Which is far from the truth. I am soaking everything up as fast as possible. And morphing and going in all sorts of directions. Figuring stuff out. But not from school. And never usually from school in the first place.

maaybe, with uh, directional speakers

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