Friday, March 02, 2007

and i looked off and decided that this was the end, i wanted to finally end, and left the world

I left Alex's apartment after drinking shots of Jack. And after having coming over half-asleep listening to The Walkmen until she called me and being in a stupor then, I left and the night air was perfect. The weather has been warm today and its right, at 34 degrees. The ice is slowly started to harden and will turn to ice in a few days.

I walked out and decided okay, I'll just head home. But I looked to my left, and had Elliott Smith blaring through my Ipod headphones. I looked up at the night sky and it was a piercing orange fighting with the black. And the clouds were covered in the middle of the battle of light. I thought it was the most beautiful thing and I smiled and just decided I wanted to disappear forever in the night and never exist anymore. I walked towards and ended up in my chucks with snow going up to my knees. Clambering and dodging around in the forest. With tall bare trees that touched the sky and their bark was all black in the black night. The way around me was illuminated because of the white snow and I would amble around and head towards the mountains. I just kept walking and everything around me was perfect and surreal. I was the only one around at night, with everything quiet. At some points my headphones would fall out and all i would hear is the crunching of the snow, with my legs knee deep in. I stumbled down and found an open field all covered in white and then I climbed up a ledge and back into the forest. I just became completely lost, thick in black bare branches looking up at and then down, then in front of me. With my way never marked and I could go where I pleased, lost in a bliss of the landscape.

I would pick up large balls of snow and start eating them. The snow tasted like pine, and smiling, I finally found a path and then I found a frozen lake. The ice was a solid black and I walked on top of it and laughing and in my haze of Jack and beers I slid back and forth across it. Then I slid and went down on my knees sliding further across the frozen lake. With the lit up landscape of Kringsja and its student towers behind me. Then, I managed to walk off and across it. My shoe broke some ice and my foot went into the water. And after that, cold and out of the forest I walked back home in the beautiful half-light of the snow night and tracked snow in my room and put on violins in the background while I wrote this all out.

I thought after that that everything was perfect. And not in a morbid way but in a beautiful manner that a part of me would have liked to die, or disappear and never return because of how surreal and perfect the entire moment was. Completely alone and separate from everyone and everything else in the world, but living so terribly in a moment that it hurt to even take one step further for fear of it all ending.

And then making the conscious decision to end it all. To leave, and return, away from it, was the most painful part of the whole process. And there is just part of me dead in that forest in the barren perfect white snow with the piercing orange sky, the silence and the sound of no one except me laughing loudly to myself all alone and the crunching of feet on the ground.

bags of blue notebooks

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