Wednesday, March 21, 2007

taking a knife to every model portrait hanging in the msu

What do I do when I'm so tired of something. And don't care to pull myself back anymore. Do I just sit where I am and watch it keep on going. Until its gone so far that I'm finally away from it. Without even the option of getting back to it.

Maybe thats what I'll do.

I don't want to go to school anymore. I was dreaming, how I was on this bike with Tio Chris. And he was doing all the peddling. As we went down Tropicana Road in Las Vegas. And at one point I got fed up with him doing everything and said, 'Tio Chris. I want to peddle too. Its dumb for you to be doing all of this.'

He looked at me and then back down the hot street and all the cars passing us by. With smoke and kicked some pedals over to me and I just went at it. But it didn't work out so well. So we stopped again and I jumped off. And I said, 'I don't care if I'm not on this bike anymore. I started running and it was way harder but I beat him. And I threw the fence up around the street so none of them could move. And Jake appeared somewhere on his feet too and we ran all the way back to our Uncle and Aunt's house waiting for them on their bikes.

So I woke up and am sitting here now. Relating all of this back to myself. Because its the only way I can ever get through to myself, tapping my head. My sort of motion for the opposite me in the mirror smiling and saying, 'You aren't doing it enough. You need to write this stuff out more Julian.' Most of the time I shrug.

But thinking it over. I'm tired of not being able to pedal the fucking bike by myself. I don't want to just sit there. I don't even want to be on the bike. I'd rather walk or run there. Forget the bike altogether. Thats what I did in my dream. I want to do it in real life.

I think that all of me. Not just some part of me. Is just completely done. Like I'm done. Look, I'm waving my arms around and I'm looking around. And all these people look at me and don't understand. But I'm done. No more going through any motions. I want to not go through motions or routines that I haven't chosen for myself.

'HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!' I yell over and over and over. And I keep yelling and want them to realize that if they and I all understood together we would finally escape out of all the terribleness. But either they disagree with what is terrible, or they just don't see it.

Most of the time I feel like that. But am so utterly devoid of hope on the matter that people will ever come together. Come together for anything, thats its always going to be horrible. And by horrible I mean having to go through crap that no one should have to go through. Why no one can work together to form something better. Or if they do it gets knocked down, or disappears, or no one sees it. All the sort of mindless motions that everyone goes through. Thats the horrible. Doing it because they see everyone else doing it. And I say to myself, 'Its never going to change.'

And I get jealous at those who still have the hope and drive that I don't. But maybe they will do something. And I can go into that. I hope I can go into that.

The sun is right in my eyes. Moving up past the tower in front of me so that it shines with all its force into this room. I woke up especially early so I could watch it all happen. Sitting here with glazed eyes looking out, talking to Jake. Wishing I was home. Until it arced back and threw light down and now its hot and directly on my computer and my face. I can't write anymore like this.

black sheep boy

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