the first five times

Tomorrow is Akron Family. I have gone beyond the halfway point in Middlemarch and have slowly begun considering stopping as a sign of protest and rebellion. I also ate a tiny bowl of cereal and said, 'I really like cereal.' It snowed for two days. Today was the day it stopped. Everything is back to being cold and gray. There are mysterious dishes in our sink, slowly piling up. I have a feeling they are my roommates. But I have no definite proof. It will take all of my investigative skills to discover the culprit.

Apparently the supermarket has re-opened after this break has ended. I will be making a pilgrimage. To see if the holy Kiwi will give me bananas and sanity. I think my Orchid is blessed with divine right. It rules over me while I sleep, and when I wake, there it is. Still looming in its purple glory. I have quite a collection of coke bottles. It is getting really hard for me not to go up to my teachers and say, 'You are making things really difficult for me to want my health insurance.'

Whenever I shower I think of Colombia. Sometimes I'm living in a world ruled by triggers. I don't want to keep my eyes open. I want to dissolve. I want to see things as almost nothing. Before they end up just becoming black. There is a last point, maybe when entropy is almost through with its job, and thats what i want to see. And then just end. It seems like that is what everything is working to right before everything ends for infinity anyway. So if we are just constantly working forward with no idea of the present, then that's where I want to be because that's the final point of anything.

I was going to go find a stand up mirror at a garage sale and then smash it with a hammer and then glue the pieces back layering them on top of each other. And then breaking pieces of stained glass and layering stuff over that. Rebuilding the mirror as a cut up, not with words but pieces of glass, so when the viewer looks into it they see their fractured self. But I stopped when I realized I didn't want to risk breaking a mirror and getting 7 years of bad luck.

Smile into your face, when you are staring at that mirror,
And don't touch your lips or eyes
cause they aren't even there

just the same thing that is always looking back. i was sitting and thinking that it must be different for all the other people who look, but i just want to shove everything off my desk. and throw everything out my window. and just stare at everything ruined.

tomorrow is the day that today was aiming for.
and tomorrow isn't ever here.
what happened to today?
it got swallowed by tomorrow.

---
driving outside with the desert wind.
oho