where am i always going with the art. sometimes i get so tired of the aesthetics
of what i am working on and i get all angry and then i destroy it and a bunch of
other pieces similar to it. sometimes i go throughout my house on these great purges, i pick paintings out and drag them upstairs to my room where i cover them in a color, usually white or blue. so thats why a lot of the paintings end up having these intricate textured bases underneath the color because they've been painted over multiple times. it is also good because when im not in the mood to stretch out some canvas i still have surface to work on.

i have some money to buy more paint from working yesterday. it gets really expensive to do big pieces in oil i use so much paint and im constantly running out of white and yellow. i've been trying to work as honestly as i can, it gets hard when you've been doing something for a while and you know you can do things and get away with them but by doing that you won't progress further so the more experienced you get the harder it gets to push yourself; so i go through these days of thought just thinking and looking and working and reworking the image and the layers and i think im so consumed in work that a part of me has now just become lost in it and as long as im in love with painting there is a part of me now absent from the regular forms of life, a part of the mind interested in the pure conception of this work i love. it is there and it is usually tackling something. im not even sure. its been a while since i conceptualized in this way about my endeavor and i thought it would help make some things clear. what is my greatest concern about having a complete work. is it how honest it feels. well that's important because i can't bear to have an aesthetic that feels contrived or co opted or there in my face and i know deep down in my heart i do not like it. which is very difficult because often times one can make something and it feels like it took a lot of work and well you don't just want to abandon all that work. but i have learned that that work never was done in vain and that the work will never go away so use your honest judgment without involvement cause it will be done and thats how something can last and be important in how it works.

i really love to paint. each and every time i have taken a short break from painting maybe a week at tops, and then return when i am working again there is something.