don't know what i am doing out here. an empty husk of a ship out in the harbor marooned and anchored. the wind blows all day long & all i can tell myself is how fragile life is and how enormous it is so that its an unbelievable structure something massive but made out of light crystal and glass; even a drop of water on its body would shake it terribly the vibrations causing a cascade. passivity will become atrophy, and I am scared to death that I will be this weak muscle unable to move. I cannot let something like that happen. there is far too much at stake here to let that happen. force is unacceptable, but truth is the real mover of anything-its ride a call to the sky to show itself. who doesn't want to stand upright and speak softly the truth of what they know to themselves, the truth rising from the mind being born and the utterance a sign of its now fading nature and death. i can't stop shaking. its maddening. the solutions to stop are frightening. it would mean letting a part of myself become vulnerable and open, what i feel and what anyone with sharp eyes witnesses is my body fighting my mind, and my body shakes my thoughts of what to do for so long I give up. I am too tired. I need help. Call the person who is supposed to help me and let me hear her voice. I will tell her the truth, the things I whisper to myself softly under my breath. And that will let her know That I am dreaming about her-a paradise where my body and mind are no longer asunder. I am whole. I wish for it with all my heart, if only it would quiet its beating to let me through.