Tuesday, August 26, 2008

she was there. staying at the house by the mountains because her hospital was nearby and she said she was sick with something but i had always seen her fine. friends were driving back from the nursery with a mess of plants in the back of the old brown station wagon. i had smoked with him inside of it once. at that time he said it was more like a house; nevermoving from its driveway perch. the seats were all reclined back and we passed it back and forth staring at the garage. i remember talking like normal something about guilt and saving money. at twenty two time is still a vast ocean but sometimes it feels like you're drowning with no hope and its all your fault. you feel silly and used but you are still young. twenty two is a great conflict with everything. a spiritual battle of the mind. 

so she was there smiling looking beautiful and they unloaded large trees. 'these are medicinal.' i asked if i could have the product of whatever they were growing. he grinned at me and said, 'its not anything fun. its for dreams or; it doesn't do anything you'd think it'd do'. somehow i got the feeling they were growing something for seniors. i shrugged and walked down the street. i thought of her. she was with them right now, in that house of theirs and they were probably laughing. 

earlier she had been talking about the play and Whitney had said, 'Yeah its nice and all. But i don't know. its theater. no one 'really' likes theater.' and i had lashed out sitting on the sink with my hands behind me. 'you should check out the Rainbow Company sometime. its beautiful theater.' and i stopped. inside i had hoped that i was holding up her actions. but i felt foolish. she was strong enough on her own to say whatever. they were shooting pool and playing an old sega genesis. more school tomorrow. why wasn't there anyone close to me here?

where had all my comrades gone? i was dismayed and sad walking away and it occurred to me there might have been some gesture word play that would have made a difference. i was so bad at showing love, at showing interest.

i am the greatest master at feigning anything. a trick i learned which enabled me to get the things i want. ironically this trick had never once gotten me anything of value. and so it felt sometimes that the world i had built around me was very empty. i stared off into space. great anxiety welled up inside my chest and i sat on the sidewalk down by the curb. this is madness. i am in love with her, and what more i am slowly losing it and her and in time i know that my chest will feel all the better but my heart will be gone and my mind will be quiet and i will not know how to drum the song of life in my blood. i wanted to kiss her face. she would know me and know all the ways i worked and in every way that i was me and she would understand. 

and at this curb in my misery she descended down in the dusk with the hummingbirds in the air and the pale pink sky breaking apart in washes of black and gray. she was beautiful and smiling and it was finally now that she felt the invisible thread and curiously she wound her gentle fingers around it and followed it here, to me and now to us.

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