hurting

im tired of everything;

of smoking

of pleasure

of friends

i dont want fortune

i want all your money to burn

i want the hell of life to encapsulate the world

so that it burns

and we all die

such wishes are unforgiving

they should shun you

and they do

in ecstasy

to disintegrate

or in the most quiet of dignities and solitudes

like those moments of living

where the volume has been turned down all the way

where everything around you has become mute and simple, charmingly small and powerless

the realization of futility

the core of belief

that nihilism

is the only way

this escape

makes everything easy

and empty

i dont care

im tired

i want to run away with birds

yellow canaries

in twilight

i want to burn up in the sun like icarus

i want to know my end before the end and step into it at the very moment of knowing

like a quest

i want reason

there is no reason in the fan spinning oppressive heat of this room

just chairs and a bed and a life's work of nothing

i want to pass out forever but not be dead?

these feelings press down on me

i want a mentor

for just me

but i hate them all

and i do not hate

but my body responds to this pain inside of me and makes it hate

and it consumes me more

WHY MUST YOU RESPOND LIKE THIS BODY

why can't you 

i don't know

just make things better

you got us here

and now were left with terrible

we grew to pain

and we know it more than joy

the desperation was killed long ago

replaced by cruelty

make things beautiful

but late at night drunk in the bathroom

by the moonglow

in silence

you know that you are going to die early

and you know that you can't escape

because you made it so

and when you thought it

you agreed in blood

it hurt so much to stare in your face

in the dark

the molecules in the air around me

make more choices for me

than i do

they killed everyone before

Chaos killing now!

watch over me

but don't

the norwegian death clock strikes at 7

where's my big word

to give everything its greatest meaning

its lost 

in an ocean

the sunset dies with my hope

the latitudes of the world

are prison bars 

drill holes here

instructions soon to follow

the old men rule my lifeblood

i should drain it all out in front of them

do you ever want to make someone else feel pain

its natural

response

is crucifying

scream with me

we live in darkness

where's the light

i caught a shadow

the sound of the piano

makes me cry

i cried forever

in the past

in the future

my eyes are dry