okay this is about torrents and keeping yourself protected. if you are running a Mac with OS X and use transmission as your torrent program, goto preferences with it open, then tab over to peers, there is near the bottom a button that says update, click that and it will download a huge list of fake / bad / watchdog peers; check the box that says update automatically each week, and also check prevent known bad peers from connecting. what this does is prevent copyright groups and advertising companies, RIAA, etc from hooking up to your computer and seeing what you are downloading torrent wise.

Dragonslayer / oil, acrylic, charcoal, pastel / paper / 19 x 24 inches

back in las vegas. back to the grind

two lovers that passed lost / oil, pastel / canvas / 20 x 23 inches

offering / acrylic, oil / canvas / 12 x 15 inches

fragile
as snow
as the morning light
on eyes
as waking in the night with
bad dreams
as feeling the touch of fire
broken
like when we die
and gifted
by the curse of caring
for life.

party girl 1 / pastel, pencil, sharpie, pen / paper / 12 x 18 inches

party girl 2 / pastel, pencil, sharpie, pen / paper / 12 x 18 inches

untitled / oil, acrylic / canvas / 13 x 16 inches

vs. / charcoal, oil stick, pastel, acrylic, tape, turpenoid / paper / 58.5 x 36 inches

come after me / oil / canvas / 12 x 12 inches

there was this man who still thought of himself as a little kid in his mind but his mind was sharp and full of knowledge so that in front of anyone else he was an old man full of wits but he still saw himself as twelve years old and liked to drink chocolate milk with whiskey and to get drunk and play the piano at night so soft so no one would hear him play. he watched television very low with it almost muted and the colors and moving images of cartoons made him still, still enough that he would stop shaking so he could smoke cigarettes without ashing too early and the cigarette would pile ash at the tip until it was a shaky edifice of gray soft ash. outside the poplar trees moved shakingly in the wind like when he watched a movie too long; he would sit on the driveway and think about how he wanted love to obliterate him but it never came and nothing was ever stronger than he was and nothing was fast enough either, not that he cared for speed, but it counted for a lot when he thought quicker than someone else. he would satisfy for someone slower but just as intelligent but it didnt matter because it never came. there was a bigger world but that didn't matter either because it was so large that it could only be taken as what was in front of him and he knew that to be one of the great truths he had solved so there was only the trees in the wind, the night, and everything else that rushed toward him like an inescapable wave. there was not enough time for life because he knew you could take something and make it last forever just stretching it to its finest point because he believed in a sort of infinity.

at last the call came and he could sort himself out. he pried open the bottle and took long deep swigs of the delicious whiskey, its rough and then burning flavor which would mellow out after a minute to a soft glow of calm and peace and smile. he favored it over everything else but that favor changed each day as if the ability for variety in his own destruction gave it all the colors a painter has to choose from; and then don't forget that it could be mixed with anything so that it took on various depths and shapes. he knew there was something bad about it but didn't care because it truly was only bad if you cared about the bad things that it did, but if you were able to think it all out to what was truly going on around you it wasn't a bad thing just a very nice thing like having a woman or very close friends or a job that paid well and killed you worse than the liquor but bought you time which was the only thing worth buying if you wanted to know as much as possible about everything. the goal was to get so much information that at the cusp of this gathering there would be some awesome epiphany about what to do and how to go about with everything in the future. it required a lot of interaction with both the real and unreal and it also required a lot of building and taking down and looking at everything from every possible angle.

he looked himself over in the mirror while arranging his pockets and his mind for the coming rush of interaction and for the quiet to quickly spill into an array of rides that took him up and down, upside down, and around and through; he was prepared and knew only that it would soon be better than the oncoming deeper darkness of the beginning of morning, which was only good if you had spent yourself amongst people that you loved or were making to have them love you which wasnt impossible because he was very talented with people and knew how to move them. he called out to himself in the mirror and smiled testing the smile out working it amongst his lips and bones and his nose and eyes and forehead. he ran his fingers through his hair, he knew that smiling was a powerful tool and it conveyed a lot of what he felt for people much like his hands would when he was drunk enough to give them life of their own away of his mind.

i keep meaning to write this about loss, and understanding loss, and my personality having experienced a great loss, and it happening at a time when there is an innocence to yourself so that when something profound happens to you, you experience it in this way, like this falling feeling and then it stops and there is a pit around you and it has nothing in it. my mind looks at the feeling as if it were remote and dark but its right there in your heart. and that feeling becomes an unavoidable thing, there is no leaving it and if it was gone it would reshape the entirety of your self. a new thing. my chest hurts a little thinking about this sense. sometimes i won't look at a person because thats how little i want to be incorporated with them because i know that deep loss. like its a privilege to truly know a person in an honest way and it is because you are both taking a little bit of each other and that person can leave at any minute and be gone forever. i like when people honestly talk about the reasons for why they do things because it allows one the opportunity to witness life in a varied way.