Monday, August 24, 2009


i had this dream and i know you hate it when i start talking to you about my dreams but this one was important because it was about my birthday, and in it a woman who i find very attractive sat me down at a table and i was bleeding a little from one arm because i had a dual with bob saget over a letter i wrote where the punchline was in the beginning and it said dear wife who i love, i dont fuck you the way i fuck my whores; what i do isnt what we do. he got mad and his wife left him by making the house fly away so he fought me with swords and he lost. but the woman told me that what i was doing was being consumed by something that shouldnt be consuming me. now in the dream it wasn't so vague and it was actually rather clear that she meant i should be looking towards new horizons.

the grass outside has taken hold durning the waning month of august as i read somewhere that watering it once a week for an extended period of time saturates the roots with water and allows them to grow deeper and healthier. the last time i smiled was outside of the hamburger stand making jokes with a close friend and we looked off to the sky to witness the weather.

usually the need for not being as clear as possible with words, using words to drape themselves over the truth in a way that makes the truth possible but difficult, which means there are enough clues to start asking questions but its hard to infer because it could be more than one thing and those things could be all important so one doesnt want to infer but is spurred to ask more questions; but what i was getting at is that i wish i stopped caring so much about controlling the influence i can have over people and decided to stop draping words over what is really going on so that it simply exists. sometimes i do it when it is very deep and personal and is only an inward condition, then there will be a moment where it will all be laid bare and the meaning is clear.

the next part is deeply personal. i have almost become fully acclimated with my profession because now i have less pangs about doing and become more and more clear as to the process of my mind and how it likes to create. however that doesnt mean i am any better off in my mind about what i am doing. ive got these manilla folders full of white paper written on front to back about how to go about thinking and sorting thoughts and approaching people and getting what you want and using power and influence (charm) to achieve those things, what morals are, how morals can be structured, they talk about making decisions, and continue to everything else i think anyway; its been a long time since i looked at any of that but thats how i would spend a lot of my time in classes just waiting until the time was up and i moved on to the next class and more writing.

outside it must be getting hot and the dog will be wanting in. ill have to adjust the air conditioner so that it doesnt blow as much during the day; since its just me and 75 degrees is a strain on the energy consumption. i think our bill last month was 300 dollars with two people living in a house. when i am here in a place so comfortable i have a hard time enjoying the unknown as that can be a wonderful and worthwhile part of life. the idea that the next day is unknown and what it can bring could be anything is worth more than gold. maybe thats the crutch with money is that it can bring about routine so easy, however it can be said that money can help foster the unknown. i just like those times when everything is new and exciting and all the world is there. here, now, i feel more like i am waiting than as if i am living. and that is no way to live.


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