Sunday, September 17, 2006

town excerpt 3

We smoked for a while on the edge near the wall. The stones were cold and I could see the town below and the tiny yellow lights. Sara kept her head nudged in-between my neck and shoulder and she had most of the fleece blanket. She would purse her lips together when she smoked and her long hair would sit back and I would run my hands through while we just looked out for a while.

There was a tiny bit of silence and we were still. It was so nice and I kissed her interrupting a drag and she kissed me back then on the cheek and I smiled while I stubbed my cigarette out and she curled her toes up on the stone wall. The stones were cold but she told me liked the feeling.

“It’s so nice. I feel alive.”
I nodded and just kept looking out.
“Sometimes I don’t want to be here.”
“What do you mean?”

“I just get overwhelmed and this great feeling,” and she made a scoop out of her hands and then scooped everything. “And I want to stop but nothing else stops moving. So then I just don’t want to be alive.”

“”You want to kill yourself?”

“I just want everyone to stop once in a while,” she said. She sighed and got up and then we were sitting lined up and her back was straight. Right now there were only the clean clouds in the sky like Monet. It was like it had rained and everything was washed away and if a train breezed by great white puffs of smoke would have clear outlines on the outside instead of just fuzzy white ones that no one could figure out.

“I guess it would be nice.”
“Don’t you just want to breathe sometimes?”
“Yeah,” and I shrugged. “But when the hell is that going to happen.”

She poked me in the stomach and flashed me a smile before she lit up again and I was seeing the girl that made me want to run away to Europe. We would shamble along like gypsies and find the wealthiest barons and kings and live with them. The idea was wonderful in my head but so far away and not to be touched that it just tried to crawl but kept dying. I frowned and she put her fingers on her lips asking me to be quiet.

“Ssh. You’re being so loud.”
I screwed my eyes and looked at her hard.
“What are you talking about?”
Then she tapped her head.

“All your blasted thinking. Just sit with me and let’s be still. I held her again and we watched the town below and smoked a while on the edge near the wall with the cold stones and the washed away sky above.


When morning hit my face was sweating and the sun was coming through the window at a blasted angle that heated the whole room. I had forgotten to close the blinds when I got in last night; electing instead to just fall face first on my bed and sleep. Then the dreams hit but they weren’t very important because I couldn’t remember them. Sara was at home probably in her black underwear and a white t shirt and she was sound asleep in a dark room. I ran my hands through my head and wiped the sweat and continued to lie there. The air conditioner didn’t give a hum. There was no cold air. Things were too still. I just lied there. Then I thought about her again and fought an erection until the sun was all over the bed and I wanted to just melt and disappear. I hated having to deal with this kind of nonsense. Eh sun? Why don’t you just let me be? Why don’t you just let everyone sleep a little longer?

Then Sara’s wish about everything; everyone just stopping pounced and I was laughing because I was disrupting it. I got up and went to the shower and let cold water run down my back and I spit from my mouth and drenched my black hair in the cold.

Then I ate some toast and ran my toes on the cold floor and looked outside to a bunch of birds. There was so much green and over I could see the hill and in front of me was the ivy and giant oaks. My backyard stretched for miles and my house was huge and alone. There was no one and I missed everyone so much. I felt tired and laid down and fell asleep under the fan. I had the best sleep of the day so far.

Sara woke me up with her knocking on the back window. She had hopped over and ran through the grass and I could see her hands were brown. Her face was beaming and she had two bags with her and she started to kiss the window. So I fumbled with my own body until it regained consciousness and then opened the French doors and then plopped back down to silence while she rested and stood all at the same time.

“What are you doing?”
“I got woken up early this morning.”

She patted her stomach and she was wearing a tank top and a skirt.

“Well I’m hungry and my parents are out doing shopping so I snagged all of this.” Then she brought out an entire lunch; a mess of stuff and she managed to even bring a bottle of wine which I decided against because I was still tired and my eyes weren’t adjusted.

“You aren’t going to drink any?” She raised me a glass and I shrugged.
“I just don’t feel like it right now.”

She pointed over to a sandwich. “It’s vegetarian. Right? You don’t care. I didn’t want to hurt any animals today.”
“Sounds good.”

We ate. I picked more than devoured and she sat on her butt and rested on my cool floor with the fan overhead spinning and making little noise. We looked at each other and my god she was beautiful. She was simple and had no makeup and she reminded me of the world and everything that was great and grand. I thought about Hemingway and I had read a while ago about why he didn’t kill himself for the longest time. Because when stuff is bad you know how good it will go back to getting. Something like that I thought while I ate a peach and slurped the juice. Stuff was good and it had been bad and good. And there was a mountain of life behind and in front but I was fine and still here with Sara eating lunch.

We smoked and sat on chairs outside looking at the grass field and the town was near and her bike was far away near the dirt path. She smiled and we spent the rest of the afternoon just watching and being still without the world to bother us about moving on.


my eyes are closed and I can see what could exist if I was you.

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