Monday, November 30, 2009

Somebody once told me i was weak, and the thought was so scary to me that i wouldn't even listen to what i was being told because it could mean that i am powerless in something. I don't fully understand my entire nature but i do know that inside of me is a driving force that if it decides to want something, it wants it completely because that would give me complete control and then i wouldn't be afraid of something beyond my control happening. i think i am like this because i lost something very dear when i was developing and in order to continue on this thing inside me grew and developed so that i either got as close as possible to either not needing something at all or if i had something i would try and gain as much control as possible over it so that nothing bad could happen to me. seeing the words like that in front of my face makes my whole body feel as if it were shaking so violently that the only way to silence it would be forcefully somehow. because of this way of dealing with things i think my state of being lives in dangerous extremities. now it feels that if i cannot somehow understand a way of allowing the world to exist within me emotionally where i take it for what it is and not try and hold it in some way that would make me safe and instead am able to experience deep emotion and commitment that relies on more than just myself. this is how i am weak and it paralyzes me.

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