The Sunrise Room: June 2009

sometimes you really want a word that's strong enough to encompass everything all at once. to represent the enormous complexity of what is going on with you so that anyone would be able to understand and then some sort of real communication would be going, communication that makes you feel like you are making some sort of headway into life. its a huge desire to make yourself less alone. most of the time finding what that would be is nigh impossible, and the complexity of what you are will always out shadow the ability of anyone else to ever understand. so then it becomes this awful visage of fumbling animals in the dark. its truly remarkable the tenacity of us as people, whatever is ingrained into our minds to propel us forward through this darkness.

i dont want to sound defeatist or lost or in some bad way, i just feel the need to emphasize the huge gap that exists between all of us. it just hurts when it feels like it is impossible to say what you feel because of the complexity of the feeling. this strange shifting thing like a color that wont stay just any color or the jungle; some mutating thing that transpires to move. and how terrible we can be with our forms of language. suggestive hand motions, eye movement, tone, mumbling / yelling, the distinct impression that someone isn't listening. i can't recall what the percentage of communication is body language but its high and so then if you are in a bad way even what you say will be corrupted by your state, the truth of your affairs almost impossible to hide with what you are spilling out. i get tired of hurting anything and in the same way i get tired of helping anything because neither actually seems to make a difference but thats despair creeping along my words and i know it all makes an impact its just hard in the void that is you and you alone. all i ever want to do is help; the flow of time is a dirty raging monster consuming. i feel the painful loss at night staring into whatever place i see, the loss of friendships the loss of love and none of it seems to mean as much as it did because of the monster, its way of slowly dimming what was there. how can all of this be said to anyone else, how can understanding be accomplished. what exactly is the goal of wanting to be understood. god it all just hurts so damn much sometimes that i have to close my eyes. i dont want to understand loss anymore.

i want there to be a successful mechanism that allows for all the anger & resentment and sadness and whatever else sits deep within the heart to spill out. if it were possible to really see what those things are manifested outside of the self then maybe it would be possible to better know them and make good headway to making yourself better. i dont know why i think that they need to be removed from the self but it seems impossible otherwise to be able to deal with them. but thats really not the case or the truth of the matter. the things have to exist within the self in order for them to hold any resonance. their power lies in the fact that they must be acknowledged as being part of you and only then can solution exist.

but it all gets mixed up with the complexity of being, of all your past and then everything happening at the present moment of your life. is it harder to deal as we get older, it seems that everything becomes more catastrophic, fragile, and being cut is not on anyone's order. i have witnessed the withdrawal of more than one beautiful mind, encamped in some space of safeness, away from the harm that it fears and it itself admonishes what lies out beyond the scope of this retreat. what happened to the will of great things and the desire to pursue them at whatever cost to you. we are children raised in a society that puts the wrong value on everything; we have become lost in what we find to want, and only know the fake price of everything. i do not understand why people sit in such frustration expecting the world to revolve in some new manner that will save them. there is nothing to be saved; it would mean that we are entitled and because of our transgressions i do not believe we deserve much of anything. we are cruel animals with moments of clarity grace and beauty but we have lost the will to evolve beyond such cruelty that sits deep in our minds and lashes out. and maybe i only see it in such light because of the ability to do very bad things is inside of me. to stop such things would mean a level of control i have yet to witness in any person. chaos is the enemy but there is too much scrambling of want to fight it effectively. and anyway chaos makes things interesting, a common strand among humanity, one of the key characteristics that allows us to continue our lives because we have the capacity to know and to know more, discovery being an all important device in satiating the lack of meaning that can surround us.

i really dont claim to know any of that what i have said, it only pours out and i have to see it to understand it more. like i was saying if it wasn't put down then it would only be vaguer in the mind because i can be lazy like anyone and this laziness can exist in thought and without the force of will to examine outside real movement cannot be made. the tendency to involve yourself in the idea that you dont know something is dangerous and good at the same time. it is very true that very little is actually known in a world where most things are not hard and true. i know that i am going to die and thats about it, but i do know that i can form ideas about what i know so that i can move forward to more knowing; even if these steps aren't actually real it allows me a greater area of movement and discovery than if i simply decree that i dont know and give up. that's where the danger and laziness lies in relativity because assuming that frame point your mind can automatically recoil at the will to discovery because it believes that its inherently not possible. i remember being much younger and having a hard time starting anything because it was never what it was when it left my head. when i tried drawing something it never appeared as i wished it, when i wrote something i got lost in tangents and daydreams. the same went for manual labor which would either intensify or require a new order of tools that were before unknown. it was the very nature of nature that required a will to do battle.

i get wary writing all of this down because it starts to become philosophizing or theorizing and i dont suggest that i have much of a balanced framework to make wide swept or even small claims as to the nature of what we live in, how we work as individuals and as a greater whole, morals, dictates, and whatever other words exist that mean to say what something is and whether it is true or not. usually i hate all that sort of thing. i really most often claim to know nothing, and that will almost always be the case. but in that same light i know quite a bit, it is only that i know it for myself and beyond it becomes weak and insubstantial or that is how it can appear. i just need a place to order thoughts and ideas. i am in a bad way. i love being in a good way, but it seems that most of what happens lately morphs into something that hurts and becomes lost in the damage that it did, and because of pain clarity in the reason for the action is never found even though it exists. i lack the understanding of why. very few people like to speak about themselves deeply and about what is going on with them. and then even fewer are able in any way to accurately describe it. even fewer are able to do it and are able to remove any prejudices they may have towards you that would corrupt the explanation. most people don't even care to get to the very basic steps of having a dialogue that includes a substantial amount of bridging the very large gap that is between each of us. and we cannot blame anyone for anything really, only hold very dearly to the small candle flame the has an urgency to extinguish itself that people can be hurting a lot and simply can't do what needs to be done to bridge the gap, or they aren't for you, or you for them, and the complexities keep rising. so much is going on within each individual human being and we lack the knowing of all that is going on with them that being mad or resenting them or hating them or anything that separates you and them further is a terrible thing to do because it only makes more gaps and more loneliness in a world that can be rife with pain and cold. you have to include the fact that entropy is going on as well and that's not really helping matters, not for us as humans anyway. but i doubt you can throw much fuss at this stage of technological matters towards one of the governing laws of the universe.

i want to sound more hopeful somehow. a recent memory of a friend who on the street after i told him i hated making promises i couldn't keep said it didnt matter and kissed my pinky finger saying that enjoyed false hope is better than none at all. i like that romantic idea, its dramatic nature in that if what was promised actually does come true, the strength of it is so much more. thats really the enticing nature about romance. it can but most often does not, be the ultimate weapon in a despairing mortal universe.