Sunday, February 10, 2008

i want to sit in the sunlight all the time. the night makes me anxious. i think its the cold, the way it gets into my bones even when im wearing lots of clothes and even when its not that cold and everyone else is fine, im chilled and the night just gets to me. i hear the sounds of skateboards and they remind me of that panda bear album. i hear the sounds of children and they just go through me and out the other end, leaving me unaffected. i want to take a lot of things but i also want to leave everything well enough alone because i think im more comfortable that way and the turmoil that any other way brings is maddening to me. i live a life of leisure and its maddening but its the way suited to me. i feel like a lot of things are slipping, but they aren't and everything marches forward at the same even pace of a parade on a july day or the beating sun in august. its all ceaseless and nothing is added to it even when the illusion seems so real. the unspoken months pile up and build upon a deserted fort, inhabited by the same ceaseless ghosts of every waking moment that bobs in water and goes back and forth, tugging like tides. the movement of everyone else stirs terrible feelings inside of me, feelings that make me feel sad or lackluster, without any luminance and not even my own movement seems to swell any light inside of me; and yet i feel the great light inside of me in enough moments to remind me that i am a bright lantern yet with no room and where i light is a constant consuming darkness that seeps lovingly into every pore of my body. the feelings inside me are without cure except for every moment i step into a room that is lit by a particular part of the day and i tell myself that i want to sit in the sunlight and bright away until i am just like those floating dust particles that shimmer in the air whenever someone looks off without perspective and is surprised to find them flying freely in the air as if freedom were as simple as breath.

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