exist

 A cactus grows

In the silhoutte 

Of a crossroads 

Where people vy 

For their turn in life

ordinary evening

 I dont know if i have an easy memory to reference of when football ends at a bar. The noticiable shift is fucking noticiable. The bartenders switch the tv audio over to music and everyone leaves. You hear all the drunk tabs being closed. People light up cigarettes. Theres a clear distinction between the dudes who want to gamble and do, and all the other dudes who have to go home. I had no idea 830 was a consumer shift change. Dont let anyone fool you consumerism is 'what you do' as the primary job in our culture. Whatever your work is secondary to the myriad of description on how anyone consumea. Even content consumption generatea massive profit and its what 'we do'. Booze and gambling is less of a veneer than private school and first class flights. Endangered brazilian hardwood toilet seats. Still shitting diarreah. The last people in the bar either playing pool or waiting for food. Take all that as you will. Men once waited in trenches to die and now cant make a choice watching netflix.

Estes Park

 So high up hanging with the weather changes. Still pines and ravagey aspens like every watercolor portrait for the time of fall. Crashing elk into chain link fences, and wagons with kiddos going up the hill. Some measured vacation relaxing between the responsible and the chaotic; cable tv. The sound of meat and veggies on the fire, roasting toasted grilled charred smokey. We perform the caraseoul around the Target parking lot, while mom shops; beats double shopping carts in a safeway...or does it? Vomit and apples down a windy road with crying. The menu. Appetizers. Cocktails, del taco. Cry some more in the shivery night papa, youre welcome. Sleep tight little children, bottles and blankets and beer for the dada wine for mama. Hot Tub Time Machine. Whisper gentle in the lamplight, and from the table to the couch eyes close sleepy in dreamy tired aches. I love you, i love you. This is vacation. New kind of vacation.   Some complex grandeur adventure but something always falling, and falling. Without partners theres lone wolf territory where little cracks turn to chasms and without the backup no repair. So rest easy. I got you. You got this. Each other, no others.

emo wimper

 G l yoner fu. I wait forever for something better. It is human. I am me and animal in habit. Feed my tummy fat and sugar, i will sleep. Dry eyeball in the morning, sighs in the evening. Last of all the good. Forever backwards wanting. Try each joint in terrible achey motion; time has made me wither; and final is every memory splayed like a flayed bo

dy in the sun aware that l both wave and a particle.

ltp

 Isms and ishs Ates and ucks Inging es's ymns Cal ilk tus Ieieieieie Ders apts ips Nds Nds Owers Ifts. Ilsish, in in en. Oopa oopa, axz.  

Perm paper press 

Historical blood draws 

Tricks and treats in border towns 

Costume villains bring doom Down central ave. Call the coroner To view the corpses, Students crawl close quarter contact With debts; Theres nothing like a cold beer After a hard days work. I am flying far To get away.

rip blair

 

Its been a tough week. One of my best friends died suddenly and without warning. He was my age, we were extremely close, and had traveled and adventured both together and with our wives (who are also best friends), and the reason why the two of them knew each other. I introduced them on a trip long ago.

Now he's gone and I can't talk to him or see him anymore and I feel lost and alone and scared by all that. And I still feel really numb. And all I can do at night when the kids go down is paint until I can't see straight. Try to make art that he would love, in the way that he loved it when he was alive and would visit my studio and buy paintings and we'd just sit and share.

Can what I make now do justice to his past memory. Can it make him alive the way his singing makes him alive when I listen to him. Its crazy how if you die and you are an artist, and then moreso a singer a musician, everything you leave behind is a recording. And not only a recording but something people want to listen to over and over again because its music. Its not home videos or short clips, but actual art made by the person externalizing everything about themselves.

We can visit that art, hear the ghost of a dead loved one. I have had other friends die, and I can't even really remember what they sound like because the last time I heard them they were alive and its been too long now..

But with Blair, I can play something from my phone. And it becomes all so real. And I'm tired of feeling the multitude but I guess that's better than nothing. And nothing would be worse. Thered be no art, no songs, nothing. So I can be thankful and know that time will pass and not get better but just be more of everything that is. I suppose writing about acceptance is a lot easier than feeling it, and it being true. Its a step? I hate the stages of grief. They've been with me for way too much of my life

sentencing

 i am sure i would

Know better

If my pruning shears were

Sharper, slicey slew slaw

Sawing all toothy.

Edgey cut bloody

Pouring from gashes.

Im all for efficiency,

Clawing at redundancy.

Shouting wont save it

Not when there's yelling,

Rotting from poison

Rusting without reason.

Laugh it up fuzzball

Cure those crusty phantoms.

If i was quicker with justice,

Then balance be brokered.

medieval times

patrol the grounds

check the trees,

shut the gates

and set the watch;

remove refuse

broker the close

of the kitchen and hearth.

Abandon all the worry

of the past living day.

Hanging are the orchids,

geckos run the ramparts,

ants tarry with nightly cleaning,

broken are the whispers,

Ghosts command the creaking,

fathers break the pantry,

couriers slumber all the deeply,

guests snore sleepy in their chambers,

doggies whimper dreamy,

& princes and princesses sleep

peaceful.

Bricks cast shadows from the lamp light;

stars shine broken in starry starlight,

on windows darkened,

On full summers,

final winters,

shiny spring,

resting fall.

Comfort castle

cozy fort

sanctuary becoming

sanctum heart!